The Advice given by My Father Which Saved Me as a New Parent
"I believe I was just just surviving for a year."
Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of fatherhood.
But the truth rapidly became "very different" to what he'd imagined.
Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver while also looking after their baby boy Leo.
"I handled every night time, each diaper… every walk. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.
After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he needed help.
The straightforward words "You aren't in a good place. You must get assistance. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.
His situation is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more comfortable talking about the stress on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads go through.
Asking for help is not weak to ask for help
Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a wider inability to talk amongst men, who often absorb damaging perceptions of masculinity.
Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."
"It isn't a sign of failure to ask for help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.
Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.
They can believe they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is vitally important to the household.
Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a break - taking a few days overseas, away from the family home, to gain perspective.
He came to see he required a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the practical tasks of taking care of a infant.
When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.
'Parenting yourself
That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.
He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he matures.
Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the language of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.
The notion of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.
As a child Stephen did not have reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their bond.
Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible actions" when younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the pain.
"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."
Advice for Getting By as a New Dad
- Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a family member, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
- Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that helped you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
- Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
- Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
- Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of you is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.
When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for a long time.
Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead provide the security and emotional support he lacked.
When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - processing the feelings safely.
The two men Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.
"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.
"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, at times I think my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."
